Yes I’m selfish, AND?
July 27, 2017
Women are inherently nurturers, givers, emotional, and selfless. We tend to put others’ needs before our own even when we so desperately need attention ourselves, especially women with children.
But what happens when you give everything you have and are left with nothing? You get to a point where you get tired of being used and abused.
There is no way on earth, you will be any good to anyone especially your children if you have not taken good care of yourself first.
I knew this woman who had kids by a man. This man was more like a little boy. He was narcissistic, selfish, and a snake. However she loved him with every bone in her body. She let him drive her car while she was at work. He had all types of women in her car. She gave him money whenever he asked and never asked where the money was going. She always put her children first so they were always good no matter what however whatever she had extra went to him. She sacrificed pampering herself with her hard earned money in order for him to be happy. Wishfully thinking that it will all one day pay off.
She couldn’t stand looking herself in the mirror because she felt undesirable. She wanted to look like the girls he was cheating on her with so that he did not have to BUT she couldn’t. She did not have enough money after bills, children and him to keep her hair up, buy new clothes or even a manicure or pedicure.
She received indirect insults from his side pieces for her to “step her game up” which tore her apart because she could have if only….
So after many sleepless nights, drowning in her pillow and constant disrespect from his side pieces and him she finally took a stand. Little by little she began to withdraw pleasures that granted his satisfaction.
She began to put her money into an account he had no idea about. It was hard at first to hide something from someone when you live with them, who knew your routine, your pay schedule, and roughly how much you get paid when you’re consistent. But she was able to establish another bank account and began to save, save, save!
When he asked her for money, she told him she didn’t have it. It did not sit well with him but he had no choice but to accept it. She eventually got to a point where she simply said NO.
She stopped giving him her car because he did not have gas to put in it and neither did she ;) so he began to car pool.
She began to buy herself one item a paycheck whether it was a shirt, a pair of shoes, an outfit, a manicure, pedicure whatever she felt that would make her feel pretty. She began to practice wearing makeup and playing in her hair.
She liked what she saw and her confidence began to build. Compliments from others were only confirmation and a bonus to her already established confidence.
Her boyfriend eventually began to seek other women for what he wanted and being the what a basic female would consider charming, manipulative snake he was, he was able to get whatever he wanted but she didn’t care because she had what she always worked hard for and did not have to share anymore. She eventually moved on and is living comfortably with only her and her kids.
It is okay to be selfish!
The point of this post is to express how it is okay to say NO. I want to inform women that Yes we are inherently nurturers however we must do what my good friend says “Nourish to flourish.” There is no way we can be good to anyone else if we are not good to ourselves. That goes for family, friends, significant others, your job and the list goes on!
Go buy you something. Get your hair done. Nails done. Eyebrows done. Book a flight. Read a book. Start a business. Take risks. Do something you’ve always wanted to do and don’t think twice about it!
If you take care of your children, your home, go to work on time, handle your business than by all means take care of yourself!
You only get one life to live so live it with confidence and power!
Forever a Lādē,
Tamara L. Wallace
Unfortunately, many black women are trapped with such narcissistic men just because they love the Mrs. TITLE and it seems to give some a sense of entitlement over the Miss/Ms. Many can’t even get a good inheritance despite all that misconception. I like the way you broke down her redemption plan and how she ended up knowing her worth. I have a sister who stays I the marriage with prayers. I told her I would support her whether she stays or leave. All because we desire a father-figure for the children. But narcissism is so real and so mentally draining in relationships. Fact.